The First Law of Genealogy, if such a thing exists, is to start with yourself and work backwards.
Talk to your family members while you can, ask them basic questions, find out what information they have before it is too late. You may not be who you think you are, the advent of DNA testing has brought this uncomfortable truth home to many. Long before DNA tests were a thing, people had big surprises when they started investigating their ancestry; there is nothing new under the sun (especially when it comes to human relationships).
Numerous lists of the relevant and important questions to ask are out there in books and on websites. What I want to talk about here is how to ask those questions and discuss some problems that you will find with the information you receive.
Let’s start with a multiple choice question.
Is your Family:
A Always truthful
B Deluded
C full of dissemblers and obfuscators!
D All of the above
No matter what you might think right now, the answer is more than likely D, all of the above.
I first heard an apocryphal story when I was studying for the IHGS (Institute of Heraldic and Genealogical Studies) Certificate with Richard Baker. It goes like this. A certain lady believed she was descended from one of the Dukes of Buckingham. She spent time and effort over a number of years following the descendants of the various Buckingham names but could never find a connection to her own family. Then, she did a genealogy course where she learned to research starting with herself and working backwards. She talked to family, looked at censuses and birth, marriage and death records, did her homework and discovered that her great grandfather had owned a pub called The Duke of Buckingham.
Her family story was partially true, there was a link to the Duke of Buckingham, it was just by brick and mortar rather than by blood.
Brush up on your Conversation Skills
So, let’s talk about your Aunt Ada. She is the last person left alive in the oldest generation, your great-aunt, your grandfather’s youngest sister, who is approaching 85 years old. You have arranged to visit to ask a few questions.
Aunt Ada may be a friendly lady who loves visitors and plies them with tea and cakes, a people pleaser, she will try her best to give you answers. She may equally be a curmudgeon who does not suffer fools gladly. You will only get the information she wants to give.
You go along with your fancy iPhone to record the conversation. Aunt Ada might be thrilled by new technology but unable to understand why you are recording her, caught up in the moment she may embellish just a little… Aunt Ada, on the other hand, could be distrustful of modern gadgets and think you are there to take advantage of her.
Explain the technology you are using. Don’t use it if she is uncomfortable. A pencil and paper are still the simplest way of recording information. Talk to Aunt Ada about her interests (find out in advance what they are if you haven’t seen her since you were 6 years old). Do not press too hard for answers where none are forthcoming; you do not want to fluster your elderly relative into giving you wrong information.
Remember that Aunt Ada is not obliged to tell you what she knows. Be nice to her! I am reminded of the Aesop Fable about the north wind and the sun, gentle persuasion is more effective than hostile questioning. (I love Aesop’s Fables.) https://aesopsfables.org/F6_The-Wind-and-the-Sun.html . .
Ask factual questions by all means, these are the bread and butter of genealogy but ask some opened ended dessert questions as well. What did you think when your brother moved to Australia? How did your mother feel? (This may recall a memory of an older family member who also emigrated.)
Listen! This is not about confirming what you already know but about finding new information. None will be forthcoming if you do all the talking.
Keep in touch. Arrange a subsequent visit or phone-call as Ada may then have had time to think about some of the questions you asked.
Family Feuds
It may be that great Aunt Ada has not spoken to your side of the family in many years and has no intention of rekindling the friendship, she still holds a grudge against your grandfather for borrowing money from her when she was sixteen; money, she says, he never repaid. In this case it can be useful to enlist the help of another family member. Second cousin Bella who picks up prescriptions for Aunt Ada, could be just the person. Bella is a chatty, helpful person who hasn’t a clue how to use the recording app on her phone but she does have a level of trust with Aunt Ada that you don’t and although she may not ask all the right questions, she may gain information you would never have found out. As it turns out, Aunt Ada fell out with your grandfather because he beat up the boy (from the wrong religion) that Aunt Ada loved. She was willing to tell Bella, but not you. All these years later she hasn’t forgiven her brother or his descendants
Friends and Neighbours know your business too
Now that you are perfecting your interview techniques, take those conversation skills further.
Speak to other family friends and neighbours, anyone who is willing to talk to you. They may have the same story passed down in a different version or they may have been privy to a family secret that no one in your immediate family is willing to tell you.
Write it down
You’ve had your conversation with Aunt Ada and second cousin Bella. Now what do you do? Transcribe it straightaway.
In the moment you will remember the context. Did you think Aunt Ada was spinning tales in responding to a particular question or, hesitant to give an answer? If you wait for years before you start researching (as many of us do) you will have forgotten about your doubts. Note those passages in a different colour of ink/type.
Good Luck!
Gathering the Ancestors 